I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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