Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
