my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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