I think I won the penis lottery.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
