I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
