why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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