There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
