i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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