i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
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