my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize