She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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