i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize