Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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