Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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