I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
