obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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