butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
You can't special order awesome
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
