I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
