So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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