what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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