Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
