Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i've created a new STD.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
