Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize