Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
