i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You have to summon your inner elephant
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
