Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
