So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
