I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
