This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize