remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize