woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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