Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
