I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
