Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
