so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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