i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
