my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
