My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
