When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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