my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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