we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
