I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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