i wish there were pregnant emoticons
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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