So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
