Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
