Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
