I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
