Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
