I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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