When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
