Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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