And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Houston, we have a squirter
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
