ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
