The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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