Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
