I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
