Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
