So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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